I’m a pretty easy-to-please gal. Shoehorn a romance into a game, even if it has no business being there, and you’ll probably get me to play. My fondness for romance stories is why I’ve played countless visual novels and bought every iteration of Story of Seasons or Harvest Moon. I love falling in love.
Anyway, if I could spend Valentine’s Day with any of my favorite heroes (or villains), here’s who I’d choose.
I don’t know how many times I’ve replayed Mass Effect. I’ve made it a point to romance (almost) everyone, but Garrus is the only crewmate I’ve wined and dined multiple times. He’s my go-to space lover. My sassy Turian boyfriend is probably the only healthy video game romance option I’ve ever pursued. Archangel has that suave, oddly two-toned voice, horrible dance moves, and cheeky sense of humor that woos me every time. Plus, there’s the Citadel DLC, where you go on a ridiculous James Bond-like adventure with him and wind up hungover and cuddling. I imagine Valentine’s Day is a silly human thing most Turians would scoff at, but not Garrus. He’d 100% indulge you, bringing champagne, setting mood music, and awkwardly commenting on your waist. Oh, Garrus. I love you, space boyfriend.
Well, Zhongli is a god, so I reckon he doesn’t really have time for weird normal people stuff. But if he did, he could absolutely come over to my place and hang out. He wouldn’t have to really do much; my one request is that he says his “I will have order” line from the Genshin Impact trailer, and I’d be happy with the date. He could write contracts, I could brush his pretty hair. Keeping it wholesome because it already feels kind of like sacrilege, given the god status and all. Still though, call me, Mr. Lord of Geo.
She’s like eight feet tall or something; that’s reason enough to land Bayonetta here. There’s a scene in the second game where Bayonetta and Jeanne go shopping, and for Valentine’s Day, I want to be their third wheel. I always just sort of figured they were a thing, but I’d be happy trailing along behind them and carrying their bags. Out of everyone on my list, I think she’d be the only one that intimidates me too much to talk. Bayonetta is elegant, talented, and looks like a runway model. I’m easily three feet shorter, have zero fashion sense, and look a bit like an old potato, but hopefully, Bayonetta would humor me for Valentine’s Day.
If you’ve played Final Fantasy 14, then Aymeric de Borel was on your list already too, so don’t lie and play coy about it. The Lord Commander of the Temple Knights has me furiously smashing my screenshot button every time he pops up in a scene. In Heavensward’s 3.4 patch, Aymeric invites you on a dinner date over at his big fancy house, and I screamed about that quest for months. There’s even wine! (Or some sort of fancy Eorzean alcohol). Naysayers may insist it’s a business meeting between allies trying to save the world from the constant threat of evil, but I think Aymeric was hitting on my Warrior of Light. And for Valentine’s Day, he can hit on me.
Aerith and Tifa
To end the silly fan wars over who belongs with Cloud, I volunteer myself to be with Aerith and Tifa. Cloud can spend Valentine’s Day alone, sorry. After Final Fantasy 7 Remake, I have spent countless hours crying over how perfect their friendship is, and I’m pretty sick of folks pitting them against each other over a dude. For Valentine’s Day, we’re busting out the cute dresses, doing each other’s makeup, and strolling about in Wall Market. Aerith can pick me flowers, and Tifa can make me drinks; we’re the perfect trio.
Transistor’s Sword Boyfriend
I don’t even think he has a canon name, right? I’ve spent all these years referring to him as the Attractive Sword from Transistor. I know we could never be together, given that he is a sword and I am not a sword, but I’m still willing to drag him around like Red does. He seems like a great conversation partner, and sometimes that’s really all you need. For Valentine’s Day, I’d take my Attractive Sword Boyfriend to the park and talk to him while watching a romantic sunset. People may stare and think I’m a little weird, but I already get that when I’m alone, so I see no harm in trying.
I still know nothing about this woman other than the fact that she’s 9’6″ and wants to stab me, and that’s fine. I’ve probably been on worse Tinder dates. I think my entire argument for a Valentine’s Day with the giant spooky lady just comes down to her height and incredible hat, but in a few months, I hope to learn about more of her endearing qualities like her hobbies, hopes, and dreams as an evil murder witch. Anyway, have you met my three terrifying stepdaughters yet?
I could probably do this number until Valentine’s Day 2022, but I’ll spare the world from those rambles. Instead, shout out to my honorable mentions: Karen from Harvest Moon, every romanceable Fire Emblem character, Dante from Devil May Cry, Prince Sidon from Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, and A2 from Nier Automata.
Next: Mass Effect’s Garrus Vakarian Was Never Supposed To Be A Romance Option
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Andrea Shearon is a news editor at TheGamer who loves RPGs and anything horror related. Find her on Twitter via @Maajora.
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